The church's volunteer coordinator is on the prowl like a hungry lion, looking for who she may devour. If you get caught in her icy stare there is little you can do. When faced with this dangerous volunteer-seeking predictor try using these ingenious excuses.

1. ”I am trying to be a good steward of my time."

This masterful little cliche allows you to appear extremely responsible. You should avoid mentioning that by "good steward," you actually mean, "I am too busy binge-watching Game of Thrones to volunteer."

2. ”That's not my spiritual gift."

Use the highly mysterious "spiritual gift" excuse to decline those particularly difficult-to-say-no-to opportunities. As an added bonus it leads others to believe that you have some clue what a spiritual gift is.

3. ”Acts of Service is not my Love Language."

Unarguable self-knowledge and unreasonable personal confidence are like matches and gasoline. This excuse allows you to exude the fiery glow of emotional awareness. It is sure to turn any volunteer request to ash and send the volunteer coordinator running for the fire escape.

4. ”God hasn't laid that on my heart."

This is a fantastic slice of linguistic genius. It will lead the volunteer coordinator to believe that you have a heart that is tuned into to God's every suggestion.

5. ”I don't feel led."

This brilliant piece of double talk allows you to maintain the facade that there is something better that God has "led" you to do. This is despite the fact that you have no idea what that "better thing is."

6. ”I don't have a peace about it."

To skip the puke session in the church bathroom, employ this invaluable bit of rhetoric. It's most useful when you've been asked to do something that fills you with a bowel rumbling anxiety, leaves you with vomit-induced self-doubt, and causes you to wet your slacks in outright fear.

7. ”God closed that door."

This ingenious word image will leave them wondering why they haven't heard about God's favorite pastime; Opening and closing doors. After all, who could shove you through a door that God had closed?

8. ”It's not God's will for me."

This useful phrase is an iron-clad deceleration of your deep spirituality. When you are concrete about God's will, it will erode the confidence in their own spiritual walk, which leaves you nothing but free time.

9. ”God hasn't called me into that ministry."

It's very important, when using this proverbial power play, that you place your finger and thumb next to your ear and mouth. Although it's a simple gesture, it communicates the subliminal image that God has you on speed dial and calls you all the time. Being God's phone buddy, obviously, excuses you from the mundane tasks of daily church life.

10. ”God has brought a new season in my life."

This phrase is so ambiguous that the volunteer coordinator will not know whether you have said "yes" or "no." It's important to follow this euphemism with a long-winded speech full of mysterious references to God's voice, prophetic dreams, and manna from heaven. The volunteer coordinator's eyes will glaze over, and she will suddenly have to rush off to an appointment she had previously forgotten about.


By no means should you agree to do any volunteer work in the church... UNLESS you want to, please God, have personal gratification, hear Christ say, well done good and faithful servant, or be rewarded in the Kingdom of Heaven. If those things sound good to you, then maybe you should say, "YES!"

Now What?

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