Conflict is a fact of life, including church life.

Just like in families, where conflict is inevitable, what matters is not how it happens but how we respond to it. Healthy families experience conflict, too. But they’re considered healthy because instead of letting the breach fester, members take steps to repair it.

Jesus knew His followers would fight, too, and He didn’t lead us without guidance to repair the breach. In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus gave us four clear, spiritually wise steps for healing broken relationships in the Body of Christ.

Step 1: Go to Them Privately

Jesus begins,

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over” (Matthew 18:15).

Jesus first implies that conflict in the church happens between family members—between equal brothers and sisters. Remembering that the person you are in conflict with is a family member should help put it in an eternal perspective. How serious is your issue in light of eternity?

If you still think it is serious, Jesus invites us to verify two things.

First, is it really a sin? People can rub us the wrong way for all kinds of reasons, not all of which are legitimate. Getting upset because someone has violated your personal preference or a cultural taboo doesn’t qualify for this process. So, you must determine if a sin has occurred. That forces you to evaluate your motive in light of Scripture. If Scripture doesn’t call it sin, then drop the matter. If you’ve determined that no sin has occurred, and you’re still upset at the person, that may be a sign that you’re the one in the wrong. Jesus warned that being angry at someone is tantamount to murdering them in your heart (cf. Matthew 5:21-22). Which is worse—the taboo you’re accusing someone of breaking or the murder in your own heart?

Second, make sure the person is truly at fault. In other words, don’t act on mere suspicions or assumptions. Make sure to get your facts straight.

Once those two questions are settled, you can go directly to the individual. You don’t go to your friends, the pastor, or social media. Jesus’ approach also excludes gossip and slander. The first step is private, protecting the dignity of the person you’re accusing.

If they listen to you and repent, your relationship is restored—mission accomplished! But if they don’t listen…

Step 2: Bring Witnesses

“But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Matthew 18:16).

If the private conversation fails, Jesus says to take witnesses for a second attempt. This isn’t about ganging up on someone. It’s part of Jesus’ checks and balances. Here again, the process opens you up to being judged first. Can you find other people to confirm your judgment that a sin has occurred and discipline is needed? If not, people may tell you that you’re the one with the problem. If so, repent and drop the matter. But if you can get witnesses to agree, approach the accused again in love and humility. Hearing from more than one witness might open the person’s eyes to what they have done.

If they listen to you and repent, then the mission is accomplished! But if they don’t…

Step 3: Tell the Church

“If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17).

If the person refuses to admit guilt even after being confronted by you and some witnesses, Jesus says, “tell it to the church.” This is another check and balance. Once again, Jesus’ process opens you up to being judged first. The church may say you’re in the wrong and tell you to drop the matter. But if the church agrees with your case, it’s now out of your hands, and it becomes the church's responsibility to approach the accused. Hopefully, they’ll listen. But if they don’t…

Step 4: Treat Them Like Pagans and Tax Collectors

If the church’s loving intervention is rejected, then that decision is considered decisive, and Jesus says, “treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

However, I find that many people misunderstand what that means. They assume that treating someone like a pagan or tax collector means writing them off forever, the way you would cut a “toxic” person out of your life for good.

But that’s not what Jesus meant. Read the whole chapter. Just before, Jesus talked about leaving the ninety-nine sheep for the one lost one. And right after, Jesus spoke about forgiving 70x7. Treating someone like a tax collector means going after the lost sheep.

Yes, the person is no longer considered part of the church community. But that doesn’t mean they’re shunned or ignored. To press the point, in Luke 5:29-32, Jesus explained why He ate with undesirable people:

Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?”
Jesus answered them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance” (Luke 5:29-32).

Jesus didn’t shun tax collectors and sinners—He sought them out and ate with them! After all, they were precisely the people who needed the doctor most!

In other words, treating someone like a pagan or tax collector means they’ve now become the target of your evangelism. You don’t ignore them. You love them, pursue them, and work to bring them back to the fold.

Jesus’ instructions are multi-layered. They’re an inexhaustible supply of spiritual help and wisdom. These instructions about resolving conflict are an excellent case in point. In every one of these steps, Jesus invites us to be spiritually transformed, trading pride for grace, anger for love, and separation for reconciliation.

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Send your questions or comments to shawn@freegrace.in.

Read his latest book, The Myth of Tithing and the Joy of Grace Giving by getting it from us or from Amazon.