“Most members of the clergy will tell you that the phenomenon most damaging to their morale is the emergence of the difficult person” (Paul Zahl, Grace in Practice, p. 245).

We all have difficult people in our lives. The insecure boss who nitpicks everything you do. The angry customer who takes pleasure in belittling you. The passive-aggressive family member who enjoys stirring up conflict. Did you know there are difficult people in ministry, too? As Paul Zahl explains, one of the most common reasons for people quitting the ministry is due to the unique stress caused by one or more difficult people:

“You can take a lot of stress and a lot of pressure on many fronts, even simultaneously. But the biggest chronic headache of parish life is the difficult person. If you talk to parish ministers who have left a ministry for reasons not related to scandal, they will often tell you that they were driven away by a few, and rarely more than two or three, members of the congregation” (p. 245).

What kind of behavior will drive a minister away?

Zahl tells the story of a man who appeared at every vestry meeting of the church he used to pastor. A vestry meeting is the Episcopal equivalent of a church business meeting. The man was usually quiet for the first two hours, then would become argumentative:

“He would cause fights over tiny things, let nothing go, and get positively vitriolic by eleven at night. Naturally, I took it personally. Moreover, as a young parson of little experience, I was hurt and discouraged by this man’s continual harping. I had no idea what was going on” (p. 245).

When you’re in ministry, you can become the target of a problematic person—or, at least, it feels that way. And as Zahl recalls, it can be very hurtful and discouraging. It is one thing to meet resistance from an unbeliever. You expect that kind of reaction from the world. But to be attacked and criticized by someone who is supposed to be a brother or sister in Christ can be disillusioning.

Eventually, Zahl found out what was really going on. The issue was not the issue. Instead, it turns out he was an alcoholic who would come to the vestry meeting with a couple of drinks under his belt, but as the meeting wore on, the alcohol wore off, and by the end, he needed a drink, which is when all the vitriol started to come out.

Here are three ways that grace makes a difference to dealing with difficult people.

First, grace means knowing that people are not basically good. On the contrary, we’re all sinners, which is why we need grace to begin with. The sins of the difficult person might be discouraging, but it should not be surprising. We should know that sinners are going to be difficult. If we’re honest, we’ve probably been that person at one time or another.

Second, grace teaches you to look beneath the surface of the behavior. The heart is wicked. Knowing how deep our sinfulness goes prods us to ask the question, “What’s the sin behind the sin?” As Zahl continues:

“A theology of grace is necessary when dealing with a difficult person. It is necessary because it gives you the tools for understanding what is going on, for recognizing a provocative form of original sin. A theology of grace helps you have compassion for the difficult person. It also helps you see the problem as a compulsive one. You need help to face it and deal with it. You cannot do it yourself, partly because the problems of the difficult person are not aimed at you personally. They are aimed at ‘life’ and finally at God. This is why the difficult person is at church in the first place. The very fact that he or she is there is an expression of the suffering, a real cry for help. It is just a peculiarly alienating and provocative cry for help” (pp. 246-47).

Third, grace teaches you to look for outside help. You know you can't save yourself when you believe in salvation by grace. But isn’t that true for all areas of life? Believing in grace means getting used to being helped by other people—including help with difficult people:

“So you need help, help from your other leaders in the parish family, help from the God who alone has enough heart for such a person. Grace helps you understand what is happening in the case of the difficult person, and grace helps you find help in facing that insoluble chronic problem of life and ministry, the difficult and deliberate antagonist” (p. 247).

Fourth, grace teaches us that Jesus is greater than all the troubles we might face. He defeated sin, death, and the devil for us, which means He’s also greater than anything the difficult person can do. If the difficult person makes you feel hopeless, recognize that you’ve been putting your hope in circumstances instead of Christ.

Since His grace is sufficient for our eternal salvation, it is more than sufficient for lesser troubles caused by difficult people.

Send your questions or comments to shawn@freegrace.in.

Read his latest book, The Five Points of Free Grace for free, or buy it on Amazon.