I want to invite you to read along with me! I’m currently reading a new book called When Narcissism Comes to Churchby Chuck DeGroat. I haven’t read it before, so I can’t fully endorse it yet, but I’ve gone through the introduction and the first chapter so far—and I’m pretty amazed. I think there are going to be some real “aha” moments in this book, especially if you’ve been involved in church leadership or leadership in general.
So, I invite you to read along with me! I’ll check in every once in a while with some videos, and maybe we can discuss it together on this site, or on social media.
In Chapter 4 ("Characteristics of the Narcissistic Pastor"), while talking about "praising and withdrawing", Degroat relays a story which describes what I believe is called a "trauma bond" (or "betrayal bond") that can form in a narcissistic relationship. It's both vivid and heartbreaking. My heart breaks for the victim who finds themselves in such a "mutually reinforcing" relationship but it also breaks for the narcissistic pastor who feels such a need for affirmation that he employs these methods. Here is the excerpt...
"Jill was a committed leader of a community group at her large suburban church. She was drawn to the church because of lead pastor Jim’s confident articulation of the gospel. Later, she became to realize that her own story of abuse made her the perfect candidate to be lured into Jim’s cycle of praise and withdrawal. Her poor marriage coupled with her low self-esteem led her to seek out Jim’s approval and praise. With it she worked harder and harder to lead well and to volunteer, eventually receiving an invitation to join the staff. By now, she felt as if she had a special relationship with Jim, even a privileged one that other core staff didn’t experience. Thus, when she risked pushing back on an idea Jim had at a staff meeting, she did not anticipate the consequences. Over the next days and weeks, Jim did not address her, look at her or return her emails or voicemails. Anxious about the relationship and sensing she’d done something wrong, she reengaged her old pattern and stroked his ego at a staff meeting. Jim was resilient, returning the praise to Jill and reengaging her. Only years later, in therapy, did she discover the mutually reinforcing narcissistic relationship.”
Listened to Chapter 1 ("When Narcissism Comes to Church") and this is the excerpt that really struck a chord with things I've experienced and heard others experience.
“How can it be that narcissism thrives among those who seek to become like Christ?
First, these systems attract people who want to be a part of something special. The narcissistic system parades its specialness…the unique way God is working mightily in this church or movement or denomination. Who would dare question God’s work? Because the mission is tied to God’s apparent movement, people are more likely to question their own judgments than God’s obvious blessing. However, staff members are often asked to make large sacrifices for little or no remuneration and are often promised more with little delivery. Those who ascend tend to collude with the system. Those who ultimately refuse to idealize the leader are chewed up and spit out. But because the mission is a seemingly spiritual one, the system goes unchallenged.
Second, the system often compares itself to others and finds other wanting. The narcissistic system may feature the compelling personality or style of its leader, the strategic nature of its location or mission, the orthodoxy of its doctrine, the authenticity of its worship, the beauty of its liturgy, the integrity of its activism. Those within the system are led to believe that the church down the block isn’t as blessed, special or faithful. The collective sense of grandiosity is common in these situations.”