An excerpt from Things Above by Lucas Kitchen.

Some guys think their wives should OBEY them. My wife can’t obey me. She can’t obey me because I refuse to give orders. There is no way for her to obey if there is no command. However, she is submissive to the will and intent of her husband. There have been a few times when she felt strongly that she ought to do something that she knew I didn't want her to do. Before the kids, she would sometimes go out of town to visit her cousins. I'd be invited, of course, but I wanted to stay home and watch movies. I also wanted her to stay home and keep me company and make the popcorn. Of course, I refused to ban her from going on a road trip, but I would sometimes be a bit bitter about it. Even in those rare cases, when she was determined to do something I didn't want her to do, she reasonably and gently explained that she wished to move forward with her plan. Since I refused to command, order, and dictate, I usually have encouraged her to do what she thinks is right, even though I disagree. I managed to make my own lonely popcorn. In those situations, I considered her to be acting in submission. I never felt as if she was defying me, even when she did things I didn't want her to. That's because I am more interested in her acting per her own conscience than pleasing me. Don't get me wrong, I'm interested in her pleasing me, but I know it's more critical for her to do what her conscience leads her to do.

This reveals something about what we believe about submission. We do not see submission as a synonym for obedience in these verses. One reason for this is because when Paul explains that children and bondservants need to obey, he uses a different word. So, whatever submission is, it’s not the same thing as childlike or slavish obedience. It’s something less than absolute obedience. Some guys read submission in the verse and assume that means she has to do whatever I say. Let me give you an example of how submission and obedience are different. In the 1850s, there was a law called the fugitive slave act. It was intended to force citizens to help capture runaway slaves. Runaway slaves were in danger of being maimed or even beaten to death. If a citizen refused to obey the law or aided a runaway slave, they were fined $1000 and put in jail for six months. Now imagine that you or I were in that situation. I couldn’t follow an immoral law like that, even though, the Bible says everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities. Thus, the only solution would be to disobey the law and peaceably and willingly submit myself to the prescribed consequences. In this case, I can be peaceably submissive while respectfully disobeying the law. There are times when a wife finds herself in a similar situation. If a husband orders his wife to do something illegal or immoral, the wife should respectfully disobey such an order. She can remain submissive by accepting whatever relational fallout might ensue. There are simply times when she must go against her husband's wishes. If her husband is the type to command, dictate, or order, she may have to disobey him. However, Paul instructs that whatever she does, it should be done in a submissive way.

Now it’s time to give a word of warning to the husbands. Let’s look at the verse once more. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Col. 3:18)

Husbands, let me ask you a question. Who is that line addressed to? It’s addressed to Wives. This is an essential thing to remember. This line is not addressed to you if you're a husband. Do you open mail addressed to other people? Intentionally opening or intercepting someone else's mail is a felony crime. You need to treat this line like mail addressed to someone else. I know quite a few guys who come to this line and lose their minds. Here’s what they think it says. Husbands, force your wives to submit to you. (Confusion 3:18 NST) Notice that verse comes from Confusion 3:18 NST (No Sense Translation). The actual verse, wives submit to your own husbands, is like mail addressed to wives only (not husbands). Husbands that try to use this verse to force their wives to submit are on thin ice. It would be highly inappropriate for you to rifle through your neighbor's mail, pull out all the bills and then break into their house and try to force them to pay their water, electric, and gas bill. Should they pay their bills? Well yeah, but it's not your job to force them to. In fact, it will ruin whatever friendship you had and probably get you arrested. How do I know a husband shouldn’t try to force his wife to obey this verse? It's simple. Some Christian men are married to unbelieving women. Paul wrote Colossians as instructions to believers. So certain wives are outside the intended readership for this verse. These verses, while valuable to all, are not intended to be forced upon others. They are addressed to those believers who want to be growing disciples. The verse is intended for a wife who is a believer. It is not intended to be used by a husband to force his wife into submission. Let the verse instruct the one to whom it is addressed.

This excerpt sheds light on the true meaning of submission within a marriage, emphasizing that it is not about forced obedience but about mutual respect and understanding. To delve deeper into this transformative perspective on relationships and faith, get your copy of Things Above today.