Questions: What should I do if an offender is not remorseful and continues offending? ~W.
Answer: Thank you for asking that question. I know how painful that question is. It’s one I have been struggling with myself. It would be wonderful if people—especially born-again Christians—came to their senses, felt convicted of their sins toward others, and repented. But sometimes, we wait a long time for that to happen. And as we wait, the offender might keep sinning against you.
What do you do when that happens?
Let me try to answer from two perspectives: externally and internally.
However, if it is a non-violent offense, the Lord Jesus gave some basic steps to follow:
Let me begin with some common sense. If the offense is criminal, and someone is breaking the law by physically harming or abusing you, then get yourself out of harm’s way and involve the police. Paul used his rights and protections under Roman law when it was appropriate (cf. Acts 22:25).
“If your brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two others with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he doesn’t pay attention to them, tell the church. If he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like a Gentile and a tax collector to you” (Matthew 18:15-17).
The Lord Jesus gave four steps here.
First, confront the offender with his sin against you. Frankly, that can be hard to do. It is easier to complain to friends, cut off all contact with the person, and pray that the situation resolves itself. But that is not what Jesus says to do. Go to the offender. You will probably feel hurt and tempted to get angry. Still, it would be best to approach him or her with as much compassion as possible. Though they have sinned against you, think of how that sin must be making them miserable and negatively impacting their fellowship with God. And what’s more, remember that you could just as easily be the offender. So, if you can, approach them with compassion. If they listen and repent, you’ve won your brother back. However, they might resist admitting any guilt and reject your testimony, making everything worse. If so, it’s time for the second step.
Second, if the offender does not listen, try to approach him again, this time with a few witnesses to support your case. The act of assembling witnesses to speak for you can be a good practice for you. Maybe you’re wrong about the whole situation. Maybe there was no offense, and you’ve just misunderstood what happened or are too sensitive. If you can’t find any witnesses to support you, that may mean you are in the wrong. But if you can find people who agree that you have been sinned against, you can go and tell it to the offender. Hearing from the additional witnesses may help the offender realize his guilt, and you’ll win back a brother. But there’s still a chance he’ll refuse to admit his guilt. If so, take the next step.
Third, bring the matter to the church. Here again, this is good for you. Maybe you and the witnesses are wrong. Perhaps no sin has occurred. Maybe the offender is not an offender at all. Bring it to the church—to the pastors, elders, or whoever is in authority—and have them decide. If they agree with you, the offender may finally listen and repent. But if not…
Fourth, if the offender doesn’t listen to the church, it must exercise church discipline and separate from the offender. At the very least, this means excluding the offender from partaking in the Lord’s Supper until he or she repents.
Unfortunately, due to the fractured nature of our churches, it is possible that you and the offender will not be under the same church authority. The offender might attend one church while you attend another, and neither church may be connected to the other, making steps three and four impossible. You could bring the matter to your church, and nothing would come of it, because the offender isn’t there to be disciplined.
On the other hand, even if the church did take action and put the offender under discipline, he or she could just leave and attend the church across the street.
So is it even worth it to pursue these steps?
Let me confess from experience that it is possible to rationalize away and make excuses for not obeying Jesus in this matter. And let me remind both of us that the Lord does not ask us to obey Him so long as we think His advice will “work.” Our part is to obey and then leave the results to Him.
All that has been said here is an external response to being offended. However, as you go through the process, you will struggle with how to think and feel about the matter, which is an internal struggle that should also be addressed.
If an offender remains unremorseful, one of the most important things you can do is guard your heart against sinning back at them. As Paul told the Ephesians:
Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ (Ephesians 4:31-32).
When someone has hurt you, it is easy to let bitterness brew in your soul. You will be tempted to be angry and act maliciously, leading to further sins, often directed back against the offender. But acting on those fleshly desires will only make matters worse. It is bad to be sinned against, but worse to let the offense lead you to sin.
What’s the alternative?
Forgive your offender. Though we deliberately sinned against God and our neighbor many thousands of times, God has forgiven us in Christ. Therefore, do the same and forgive your offender. Do it as often as they offend.
Forgiveness is a conscious decision, not just a feeling. It involves choosing to forgive those who have wronged you. Total forgiveness requires letting go of bitterness and the desire for revenge.
However, forgiving will not automatically lead to forgetting. Rememering how you have been hurt will tempt you to sin, and you must guard your heart against those temptations.
When memories of the offense come to you, they will likely make you angry, which, if you dwell on them and savor them, rolling those memories around your mind like food on your tongue will lead to bitterness, wrath, and other sins.
When such thoughts come to you, you have a crucial decision: direct your anger at the offender or the temptation itself. Which will it be?
That’s a choice you may not realize you need to make.
Jesus commanded us to love our enemies. Full stop. When memories of the offense come, do not choose to hate your enemy, but love him. Instead of hating your enemy, get angry at the tempting memory itself! It is trying to get you to sin against God and neighbor!
When the tempting thought comes, instead of dwelling upon it and only making yourself more bitter and angry, reject the temptation and choose to forgive the offender, just as God forgave you. Forgive again and again—whenever the temptation arises. The thought will suddenly come, “Remember the nasty things she said about you?” “I forgive her,” you reply. “Remember what he did behind your back?” “I forgive him again.” “Do you remember how much pain it caused you?” “It did cause me pain, but I forgive him just as Jesus forgave me!”
But do more than forgive the offender. Pray for them. Ask God to bless them. Fight the vice of resentment by building up the virtue of compassion. As Paul says, let go of “all bitterness, anger and wrath” and actively “be kind and compassionate.” In other words, actively seek the well-being of the person who wronged you, praying for them and wishing them good. Avoid bringing up the offense in future conversations with the offender or others. Put your attention into showing kindness to that person. Remember that Jesus commanded us to love our enemies, not avoid or ignore them.
In sum, what do you do if an unremorseful offender keeps offending? The spiritual struggle happens on two levels: external and internal. Even if the external response does not go well, trust the Lord with the situation and focus on winning the internal battle. Guard your heart against anger and bitterness, and seek the offender's well-being, not because he deserves it, but because it glorifies Jesus, whose grace abounds over your many sins.
_______________________
Send your questions or comments to shawn@freegrace.in.
Read his latest book, The Five Points of Free Grace for free, buy it from us, or from Amazon.
The whole article talks about sin. However, I dont see where 'sin' was defined. Is it 'sin' just because someone may have spoken truth and it hurt your feelings?
IF I am in a meeting and disagree with another's view and they dont like it, can they claim I sinned against them.
In the normal course of business both in the church and in the world we deal with all kinds of disagreements. If I run around claiming people sinned against me it usually does not bring value.
Seems we need a definition of what sin is against another person.
Good comment. Not everything that hurts our feelings is a sin. There is Biblical room for correction, which we might find offensive, but it would not be sinful. This article is about someone who has sinned against you, not just hurt your feelings. I think Jesus' process helps ensure that a sin has occurred in fact and not just in our imagination. The "sin" would have to be defined Biblically, but I can't think of a general rule to identify what a sin is, except maybe "lawlessness."
Great article!